Crescent
by B. Ro 03
Summary: What was Edward's life like after he leaves Bella in New Moon? How do you face eternity when you have to leave the person you want the most? Picks up right after Edward has left Bella in New Moon. Written in Edward's POV
1. Chapter 1

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

***Note* Chapter six was the inspiration for this fanfiction. Hopefully the rest is good enough to keep you interested long enough to get to it. **

_"Ha, banishment? Be merciful, say 'death,' for exile hath more terror in his look, much more than death. Do not say 'banishment'." -Romeo, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet_

1.

Somehow I made my way back to her house. I did not remember running there. My mind was stripped of everything except for her ... Bella ... reaching out for me, asking me to wait. But I did not. I could not. This was the way it had to be. She deserved more than I could ever give her. A life without the constant cloud of danger. Even though she didn't understand it now, someday she would see. Living a full human life was a far greater destiny than an eternity with me in this soulless existence.

I climbed up the side of the house and jumped through her window. This had been my daily routine for as long as I could remember. There was nothing before this, nothing before her, and nothing now that she's gone. Her intoxicating scent, filling the warm room, washed over me. I dropped to the floor, head in my hands.

_What did I do? What did I do? _

I could not waste time in regret. I did not know how long it would take her to get back. I forced my unwilling body off the floor and looked for anything that would be a reminder of my presence ... the CD, the plane tickets, the pictures. I considered taking everything with me, hoarding our memories to keep her close, but I wanted to leave her something of myself. Even if it was ridiculous, childish. I lifted one of the floor boards and left the, seemingly, insignificant items. I laughed darkly. As if leaving these things here meant anything. She would never know.

_Would she forget? Someday, would she forget how much I love her? _

It was torturous to know that, even in that moment, she believed I did not want her.

I made my way out of the window and to my car. I sat, staring at the familiar house, for an immeasurable moment. This house that felt more like my home than any other place in the world. A safe haven, a refuge. Finally, the conclusion to years of endless searching. For decades I searched for something that eluded me, an unknown desire ... I searched for her. I thought about the first night I came here. The complete peace that had finally entered my life just by watching her sleep. How completely my world had been transformed by her presence, and how it would never be the same again.

My phone, vibrating in my pocket, startled me as it never had before. I looked at the screen with no intention of answering it, until I saw who it was.

"Alice," I choked out. "What is it?"

"You have to go back, Edward." Her voice was panicked. "She's lost and she's headed deeper into the woods. You can't just abandon her."

"Damn it, Alice," I growled. "I told you not to look for her future! Leave her be, we've done enough damage."

"So, you're going to leave her out there," she hissed. "What's the point in leaving Forks at all, when your just going to let her die out in the forest?"

I slammed the phone shut, completely destroying it, and went back into the house. I left a note for Charlie in Bella's handwriting. If she was still gone when he got home he would find her. I would ask Alice to watch this one last time. To make sure she returned home safely. I could not go back now. I wanted more than anything to make sure she was alright, but she would not understand why I would care to check on her, and I would have to start over.

More honestly, if I saw her again I would not be able to bear leaving her.


	2. Chapter 2

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

2.

It had been a week since I left Forks. One week. One agonizing, painfully long, week. I had not left my room, not once. I had not spoken with anyone. Even though I loved my family I kept them out. The thought of them seeing me like this was not acceptable. The idea of pretending that I was not, now, truly dead inside was even more appalling. It was best for to me to continue to lay here, not moving.

My mind proved to be my greatest tormentor. In seven days, there had not been one moment that I did not think of her. Her eyes. Her voice. Her scent. I knew that I had done what was best for her. I knew it, but I could not accept it. I fought myself every second. I tried to make myself believe that she needed me as much as I needed her.

_No, she will move on._ _She will accept that you don't love her and move on. _

Then someday, someone else ... a man, a human man ... will win her heart. I endeavored to redirect my mind, but my thoughts continued to work against me. I envisioned her smiling and laughing, an unknown man making her happy. I saw her on her fathers arm, the very definition of beauty, in a white gown. Then the thought of her in that someone's embrace ...

_Damn it!_ Putting my fist through the wall was not the best way to keep my family away. I could already hear Jasper and Alice running up the stairs.

Alice called out to me. "Edward, are you ok? What happened?" Her voice was layered with worry.

They were probably shocked to hear that I had moved at all.

Alice opened the door, Jasper close behind her. The wave of my despair, my anguish, my utter hopelessness crashed into Jasper. He stumbled back with a look of true pain on his face. His eyes met mine, only briefly, and I could hear in his mental voice that he could not bear to be near me. He turned to head back down the stairs, his mind echoing the same words over and over again.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry_.

I knew that Jasper blamed himself for us leaving Forks. He believed that his behavior at the birthday party had been the reason for my decision. The truth was that what happened that night was merely the catalyst. I had always known that my absence was best for her.

I turned my attention to Alice.

_Why did it have to be her that came to check on me?_

The look on her face said it all, even if I couldn't read her thoughts, I would have known.

"Leave Alice. I'm not discussing this," I said. I had meant for it to sound menacing or fierce. To make sure she understood my full intention, but it hardly came out at all. My voice was hardly audible, even to myself.

"Edward, you know you can't keep this up forever. You will go back. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to Bella?"

The sound of her name was the most acute pain. It tore through me, ripping me to shreds. I didn't answer, I couldn't answer.

"I'm worried about her Edward," she continued. The tone of her voice was almost desperate. "I'm worried that she might get hurt, that she might ..."

Alice didn't finish her sentence aloud, as if she could not make herself say the words.

_I'm worried that she might hurt herself._

"No. She promised," I said flatly. I was trying very hard not to think about my last conversation with her. "She promised to keep herself safe ... for Charlie's sake."

Then it happened. Alice's eyes glazed over and her thoughts were lost in the not so distant future. It was her. Bella. My Bella. She was laying on her bed. Lifeless. Her skin was worse than pale, it was grey. Dark circles shadowed her vacant eyes. She did not move.

_Was she dead?_

The thought almost buried me, but suddenly the vision changed.

Her parents, Charlie and Renee, had entered the room. Renee carried in a large suitcase, laid it on the bed and started filling it with clothes. Bella suddenly came to life. She threw the clothes and the suitcase off the bed, she tossed her books off her desk, threw her CD's at the wall. She was screaming and crying. I covered my eyes with my hands, trying in vain to block the disturbing images from entering my mind.

"Stop it! Alice, stop it," I demanded.

I was in her face now, backing her against the wall, shouting with everything I had.

"Make it stop Alice, I can't take it! I can't take anymore! Please, I'm begging you!"

Suddenly Jasper and Emmett were there. Emmett pulled me back from Alice, and I did not fight him. I did not have the will. Jasper tried with every ounce of his being to affect my mood. Nothing worked, he couldn't even make a dent.

Alice's eyes came back to the present and the vision was gone. But nothing could erase what I had already witnessed. Bella's complete devastation, her eyes as crazy as my own. Her tears, her cries, they were already haunting me.

"Edward. I didn't mean to ... I wasn't trying to see her," Alice's voice was shaking. She bowed her head as if she were ashamed of herself.

_Who am I to make Alice feel that way?_

I was able to calm myself and Emmett and Jasper moved back. I continued to stare at Alice. She was truly my sister and I loved her dearly. I could not continue to cause her pain.

"Just because I'm not looking for her, doesn't mean I don't see her," she continued in a low sad whisper.

There was no need for explanations. I already understood, and I knew that there was only one answer. I could not stay in this house with my family. Especially Alice. I would not be able to hide from her thoughts and if she continued to see visions of Bella I would not be able to control my outbursts.

There was no other choice. It was time for me to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

3.

When I decided to leave my family my first thought was to go to Volterra. If I could not be with Bella why not ask for oblivion? But, I had already made this agreement with myself. I would wait until Bella's life was over. I cringed at the thought, but in sixty or seventy years I would make the trip to Italy. Until then I would find the will to live knowing that, somewhere in the world, she would be happy.

If I was being honest with myself, I also did not fully believe that I would never go back to Forks. Just to check on her. That's what I would tell myself. I wasn't ready for that now. If I was anywhere near her I would be undone. I would beg and grovel at her feet and hope that somewhere in her heart she might find forgiveness for what I've put her through. No. I could not go back now, but maybe someday. I would hold on to that hope. To watch her sleep, to hear her spoken dreams. I would hope for the strength to someday see her from the shadows. A specter, a ghost.

I then considered finding a deserted island somewhere and allowing myself to do nothing but wallow in my despair. With no one around to disturb me with their thoughts I could truly surrender to my misery. But, this idea was so pathetic it was offensive to me. If Bella did ever think of me, I would prefer to be somewhat worthy of her memories.

So, I decided to go to Denali. Laurent had gone there in the midst of our ... encounter ... with James. I wanted to pay him a visit. Specifically I wanted to find out more about Victoria. Her hand in those events had nearly led to Bella's death and I was not as forgiving as my family may think. The idea of finding her, and ripping her limb from limb, almost made me smile.

As I ran through the wilderness I realized that I saw nothing, felt nothing. Running like this used to be a source of release for me, but now it was empty.

About five miles out from the house I caught a scent that did not belong, but familiar all the same ... Victoria. I picked up my pace and was greeted by Kate once I came in sight.

"Is everything alright Kate? Where are Irina and Tanya?" I demanded. My muscles tense and venom flowing in my mouth.

I heard her thoughts before she could speak them. I relaxed a little as I knew my family was safe.

"They're fine Edward. They're hunting," she answered, placing her hands on my shoulders. "What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Was there a woman here by the name of Victoria? She's a friend of Laurent and ..."

"Yes, she was here three days ago," she interrupted. "She stayed for only an hour or so. She said she needed Laurent to help her locate an old friend. He left with her and said he would be back within a few weeks." Kate was truly concerned now. Her forehead was creased and her eyes dark. "Is he in some kind of danger? Should I go find my sisters?"

I laughed. I never would have ventured to be concerned about Laurent's safety. Now I considered it was possible Victoria may harbor ill will towards him for abandoning James in his hunt.

"No, no. I have no reason to believe he is in any danger." I smiled at her knowing that she was still shaken by my sudden appearance and forceful questions. "I'm sorry I startled you Kate. It is wonderful to see you."

"I am always pleased to see you Edward. But .. I must say ... you look ... _awful_. Has something happened to you? Do you need my help?" She dropped her hands and backed away from me, slightly. Her pale face was still shadowed in worry.

I was torn. Kate had always been a great comfort to me. We conversed easily and her thoughts were always honest and good natured. She was beautiful of course, as most vampires are, but she cared little of her looks or of what people thought of her. She was straightforward, to a fault, but never malicious or even unkind. The idea of sitting with her and telling her of all the events that had passed in the last month was appealing, but I knew I would not.

"I'm fine," I lied and forced a smile on my face. "The truth is I had come here to speak with Laurent in regards to Victoria. I was surprised by the fact she had been here so recently. I need to ... speak with her."

I did not like lying to Kate as I was always certain she saw through me. She looked at me for a long moment before speaking. Her thoughts were battling between forcing me to tell her what was really going on, or simply telling me what I needed to know without protest. She decided on the latter. The last time she had seen me I was troubled, but this was different.

"She mentioned going to Texas. Somewhere called Green River Ranch."

"Was Laurent going with her?"

"No. He was headed somewhere in Canada I think, but I wasn't clear on that," she grimaced. "He assured Irina that he would be back as soon as possible."

Her thoughts circled around Laurent and Irina and I realized that they had developed some sort of relationship. Kate did not approve, as she thought Irina's attachment had become much stronger than his. She saw the understanding on my face as I read her thoughts.

"That's why Tanya took her hunting," she continued. "She thought it would be a distraction. They'll be back soon if you would like to wait and speak with them."

I knew I could not stay. Victoria had already put three days of distance between us and I needed to close the gap quickly. Also, Tanya's thoughts were less than pure in regards to me and I would rather avoid that discomfort.

"No, I will need to be going. I'm sorry. I know it's horribly rude of me. Please give my regards to Tanya and Irina. I will try to make my way back soon so we can have a proper visit."

Kate suddenly closed the distance between us, wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear, "Cousin, I know you are in great pain. I will not pretend to understand, but always know that I am here for you." She dropped her arms and headed back for the house.

I stood for a moment, overcome by her concern and love for me.

My life had turned on to an unfamiliar path and, once again, I was faced with a new challenge. Tracking.


	4. Chapter 4

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

4.

I decided to fly to Dallas. Normally I would have drove, or even gone on foot, but the three days Victoria had ahead of me was a concern. Green River Ranch, I learned, was outside of Corpus Christi about three hundred miles from the airport. I found a flight that arrived at eight o'clock in the evening which would allow me plenty of time to make the journey before the sun came up. Unfortunately, Texas was not the most convenient place for a vampire to travel in the day time.

I hunted the morning before my flight. I cared little about my thirst but I would not want to be in a airplane full of people when I was of questionable sanity and thirsty to top it off. I was wearing a pair of jeans and a grey long sleeved shirt. I brought a passport, my wallet, a pair of sunglasses and nothing else. I stopped at a stand in the airport and bought a new cell phone. I had not yet replaced the one I crushed my last day in Forks and I knew it was irresponsible of me to leave my family with no way to reach me.

I dialed the familiar numbers and the feeling of guilt spread through me as I waited for him to answer.

"Hello?"

"Carlisle, it's Edward," I answered hesitantly, wary of his response.

"Son. It is wonderful to hear your voice. Is everything alright? Are you well?"

I had not realized I was holding my breath. I let out my sigh of relief. Silly of me to think he would react with anything other than joy. His love for me overshadowing all other emotion.

"I'm fine. I just wanted to check in. Let you know I was alright and make sure everyone there was doing well."

"Don't worry about us Edward." His tone was disapproving. "You know we miss you but we understand that you need your time to grieve."

_Grieve_. That was an interesting way to put it. Probably the most accurate explanation.

"I realize I am proving to be a particularly selfish son, Carlisle. I assure you that I love and miss my family. It's just ..."

"Not another word. No one thinks ill of you."

I was sure that wasn't true, as Rosalie had made her opinion quite clear before I left.

"Thank you."

"Do you mind if I ask where you are going?"

Strange that he would have to ask.

"Alice isn't keeping you posted on my every move?"

"No, she is respecting your privacy. She will only tell us that you are well and not to worry."

I was comforted to know that Alice was keeping my family some what updated without revealing any details. She, however, undoubtedly knew exactly what I had been doing and was about to do. I wondered what her opinion was of my little expedition.

"Kate did call. She was very worried about you, but she also held her tongue when I asked where you were headed."

"I'm ... making my way south. I don't really know where I'll end up. I promise to call more often."

I didn't know if this was a promise I would keep but I would certainly make more of an effort.

"Please do. Esme will enjoy that very much. Be safe Edward."

"Bye."

As I ended the conversation a sudden uncertainty plagued me. When would I see my family again?

I had decided to fly first class. Not that I cared about being waited on, but the idea of being crammed so closely to anyone in coach made the decision for me. The stewardess approached me. She had short blonde hair and deep green eyes. She smiled widely at me revealing a perfect set of white teeth.

"Is there anything I can get for you sir?"

When I turned to answer her she flinched. Seeing my face in her thoughts I could see why. No color, no life, nothing. I was truly the walking dead, a zombie. Her mind was very kind and she immediately worried that I was ill. That gave me exactly the pretense I needed.

"Actually I'm not feeling very well," I replied. I used the softest most calming voice I could manage. "I would like to sleep and I would appreciate if you could make sure that I am not disturbed." I slipped her a tip and smiled at her half heartedly.

"No problem sir. You will not be disturbed."

She did return after a few moments with a pillow and a blanket. Completely unnecessary, but still I could hear nothing but concern in her thoughts so I thanked her and took the props. I set the pillow behind my head, covered myself with the scratchy dark blue blanket, reclined my chair and closed my eyes.

If only I could actually go to sleep. Maybe I could have a few moments of happiness, in a dream world where I was human and Bella and I were meant to be together. Even if I could not dream, if only I could think of nothing, for just a few moments. If there could be an hour, a minute even, that I did not think of her. Maybe I could find some relief. I had thought that I might be distracted in this quest of tracking down Victoria.

... _my kind is easily distracted_ ...

My mind, my constant enemy, went straight to the heart of my pain. The one memory I fought against daily. The last time I saw her. I had gone to her house after school and we walked out on to the path in the woods nearby. She had known something was wrong. I had spent three days barely looking at her or speaking to her and I refused to stay at her house in the evenings.

* * * *

"Okay, let's talk," she said. Her face was almost eager with the anticipation of this conversation. I was dying to know what she was thinking in that moment, but I would not allow myself to ask.

I took a deep breath. It was time to read the lines I had prepared for myself. Better to think of it as a script I had to deliver, than to think of the meaning behind them.

"Bella, we're leaving."

"Why now? Another year—"

Her answer was so calm, would she really be ok with me leaving in a year? Maybe I could wait a year? No.

"Bella it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

The look on her face changed so quickly I hardly had time to decipher her strange expression. Then I realized, she had assumed she would be leaving with me, only now did she see that was not what I meant.

"When you say we—," her voice was only a whisper as the reality settled in.

"I mean my family and myself."

"Okay, I'll come with you."

I had been prepared for this response, my answer was automatic.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going...It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me."

Always so sure. So sure that we belonged together. So sure of her love for me.

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."

_And you are the very best part of mine, the only part of mine that matters._

Maybe this is not the right thing for her, maybe I could keep her safe? No.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

I could hear her heart starting to pound, her breathing sped and angry tears started to form behind her eyes. But I could not cave, I could not stop. If she truly hated me then maybe this would be easier for her.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected," I snapped back.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

"As long as that was best for you."

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" The angry words came pouring out of her now. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

In my century of life I had never felt the pain I felt in this moment. The burning agony of transformation was nothing compared to the torture of the look on her face. I looked at the ground, knowing that my expression would surely give me away if I continued to look into her beautiful heart broken eyes.

There is no other way. If you love her you will do this. Play the part. Read the lines.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

The fire of this lie burned in my throat and on my tongue. The sickness of it spreading through my frozen body made me feel disgusted with myself.

"You...don't...want me?"

_Of course I do. Is there anything else?_

Her face continued to contort into a jumble of pain and sadness that I could not bear. How long would this have to go on? How many hours would I have to lie to make her believe this blasphemy? _I don't think I can take it. I won't be able to do it. _The urge to take every word of it back and convince her to forgive me was an overwhelming force.

"No." I answered quickly. It was all I could manage.

Her already pale skin lost all signs of life. Her lips were drained of color. She looked as if she might faint, and I fought the urge to comfort her with every ounce of restraint I owned. But worst of all, her eyes, my only window into her thoughts, glassed over in a way I could not understand.

"Well, that changes things," she said calmly and quietly.

_What? What just happened? _

That was it? That was all it took? I saw it on her face, she honestly believed that I didn't want her anymore.

My first response was fury. I had the sudden urge to shout, _What are you thinking!?_

But shouldn't I be relieved? That even when I was breaking her heart, she managed to grant me this gift. That I could walk away from this sickening scene more quickly than I ever imagined was possible.

Ah, but that _was _why I was so angry. Not entirely because she was so quick to doubt my love for her, but because I was depending on a painfully long interaction. Her acceptance robbed me of what little time I had left with her.

* * * *

"Attention passengers ..."

Mercifully, as if God himself had taken pity on me, I was torn out of my memory by the sound of the captain's voice on the intercom. We were beginning our descent and it was time for me to awake.


	5. Chapter 5

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

5.

When I finally made it to Green River Ranch I found nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. There was definitely a ranch, a working ranch, with cattle. There was, however, no sign that Victoria, or any other vampire for that matter, had ever been there.

I suddenly felt extremely foolish. What had I expected? That I would find her there, lounging about, an easy target. Why had I even assumed that she would be truthful about where she was headed?

_I never should have flown. I should have followed her scent on foot for as long as it took. Now I have nothing to go on, no starting place. _

The ranch was quite large and at the outskirts of the grazing fields there was a small wooden shed. From the lack of scent it was obviously not used often, if ever. It was going to be light soon and it seemed as good a place as any to spend the day. I needed to think. To plan.

I turned on my phone. I thought this would be a convenient time to make good on my promise to keep up more frequent contact. The second the power came on it rang. My best guess was it had to be Alice, only she would know the exact moment I was going to turn it on.

I answered and Emmett's laughter came booming through the speaker.

"Bro, I can not believe you finally answered! I have been calling non stop for like nine hours."

"Why didn't you just leave a message?" I tried to hide my irritation, but failed. "I would have called you back."

"Trust me Edward, you would not have called me back, and while I'm thinking about it ... promise me you won't hang up on me either." His voice sounded oddly nervous.

Great.

"Ok," I replied. I had no idea what could make Emmett, of all people, nervous to say. "Let me have it."

He hesitated for a few long seconds and then blurted out, "You're not on your way to Forks, are you?"

"No." Not what I expected, but I also wasn't surprised. "I didn't turn our lives upside down just to go back two months later. Why would you even ask that?

He let out a deep breath. "So, last night after you spoke to Carlisle I was talking with Alice and Jasper. To be honest, I was complaining. It's just so boring here man, and without you around to piss off there is really nothing to do."

"Well that's flattering Em."

"So, anyways, I'm telling Alice I don't know how long I can stand this and she says, 'Six months.' Just like that. 'Six months.' So, I'm like, 'What the hell is that suppose to mean?'"

Exactly what I was wondering.

"So Alice says you won't be able to stay away from Forks for more than six months, and I just need to hang in there. Then Jasper kind of smirks and says, 'Three.' He says based on what he felt coming from you, he doesn't know how you can stand it much longer."

My mind was warring between anger and curiosity. I was offended by how casually they were all discussing my failure, but Alice's prediction had me especially confused.

"But, I stood up for you Edward," he continued. "I was like, 'No way he caves in less than eight months.'"

"Emmett, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I am _never _going back to Forks. So whatever your wager is with Jazz and Alice ..."

"Look, I understand what you're saying. All I ask is that if the urge becomes too much for you to fight, just don't give in until eight months goes by. Please Edward, the bet is sweet and I will split it with you."

"I'm hanging up now."

The phone went dead and my thoughts were in overdrive. Alice's visions were based on peoples decisions. I had not decided to go back to Forks. I had thought about it, every minute of every day, but I definitely had not come to any decision. So, maybe she was speaking merely in theory as Jasper and Emmett were. Maybe she just made a wild guess.

Alice does not make wild guesses.

She had certainly been watching my attempts to track down Victoria. She must have seen that was my intended path. She was probably watching me even now. Maybe that was her plan all along. To somehow force my hand to return to Bella by putting it in my head that it was inevitable. She was probably pleased as she watched this entire scenario drive me mad. Was this funny to her? Toying with me as if I were a pawn on a chess board.

I would prove myself true to my word. I had already caused her so much pain. Uprooted my family, estranged them even. My life was rendered unrecognizable, a empty void in existing without her, but I could not go back. Even if it meant never leaving this shed. I would not go back. I promised.

_You promised her. You promised. You will not break your promise. You will not. You will not. _


	6. Chapter 6

1

**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

6.

I had never gone more than three weeks without hunting. Three weeks was extremely uncomfortable. There was little hope that I would have been able to control myself had a human come near me in that state.

For six weeks I had refused to move myself from this din. I thought of the time very little. My mind marked the passing days only by the light that made its way in through cracks. Every day it ebbed and flowed on its endless routine.

After three weeks had passed I considered the need to hunt, but I worried that I might accidentally stumble across a human scent and I thought better of leaving my new home. Weeks four and five passed a little more slowly and I became aware of some mental incapacitation.

At first it became harder for me to concentrate on my daily chore of running through every memory I had of Bella. I replayed every look, every word spoken and every smile. In the beginning this was extremely painful, but here in this world of isolation it didn't seem so bad. The problem was, as I continued to drive myself mad with thirst, I started to remember things that did not actually happen. Things that I only fantasized about.

I also began to see things right before my eyes that were not there. Small animals running through the space seemingly beckoned me to drink from them. I knew they were figments only because they had no accompanying scent.

Six weeks. Six weeks in this solitary confinement, and I feared that I may never be able to find the will to leave. I had spent so long in the silence that the world seemed to disappear. Then, I heard a noise coming closer and realized I was no longer alone in the darkness. A sad day it would be for whatever creature had found me. A small part of my mind mourned for the seventy years I spent resisting human blood. If it was a human who found me, it was to be their final moment. I crouched into the corner, preparing to spring. The venom flowed freely, I let out an immense growl and inhaled deeply through my nose. I collapsed against the wall, nearly taking it down with me. It was not possible. She could not have found me here. But I knew the scent more intimately than other in the world ... freesia.

She stood staring at me with wide, penetrating, eyes. I could not look away, or blink, or do anything that would obstruct my view of the angel. Although I wanted nothing more than for this to be real, for her to be standing here before me, I knew she was not. She was beautiful, as always. Her mahogany hair was waving down to the middle of her back and her pale skin was accented by the moonlight that seeped in through the beams. She was wearing a dark blue slip, very short, with thin straps and high heeled shoes. This was the way I had imagined her, when I would allow myself to think of her that way. This is why I was sure I was hallucinating, because I had never actually seen Bella dressed this way. The shoes alone would have left her completely incapacitated.

The angel laughed. She looked at me with a glorious smile and spoke.

"The outfit is a bit much Edward. I probably would have been a little more practical," she said and continued to laugh.

That was a twist. Her being able to hear my thoughts.

_Of course she can hear your thoughts, she is not real, she is a figment of your imagination! _

She was an extremely detailed figment who appeared to be standing right in front of me and whom I could actually smell ... but all the same. She was not real.

She was shaking her head at me now.

"Edward, what are you doing in this place? Do you realize how upsetting it is for me to find you this way?"

Her voice was a sweet caress. She walked closer to where I was still leaning against the shed wall. I could feel the warmth coming off of her skin. I forced myself to close my eyes.

_I must truly be insane, if such a thing is possible, a clinically insane vampire._

Again she laughed at my thoughts. It was a musical sound. If I was a mad man I did not care. If being sane meant that she would be gone, I wanted nothing of it. When I opened my eyes I found her sitting next to me, staring. She smiled and it was enough to make my entire body come to life.

"I'll ask you again. What are you doing here? Would you really rather be here than with me?" Her voice became pleading, the sound of her pain was almost unbearable. "I'll be the first to admit that Forks takes some getting used to, but really Edward ..."

I laughed. "Bella, I can't go back. I promised you I never would. I do not plan on breaking my word, no matter how painful it is for me."

"Don't you miss me at all?" The tone of her voice was closer now to desperation.

I laughed again. This time it was louder and slightly hysterical. "Miss you? Silly girl, if you think that the term _'miss you' _comes even close to how I feel. My life is meaningless without you."

She smiled at this. "Then it _is_ time for you come back to me. Promise or not, I don't care. Go back and claim me. Go now."

"No. I won't." I could not even entertain the thought. My resolve was crumbling all around me but I knew I could not.

She drew her lips into an attractive pout and made her eyes adorably sad. Then to my utter shock this figment, this hallucination, laid her hand on my face and said, "Please."

From all my years of study I knew much of the human mind. I knew it was powerful enough to make people believe things were there that were not, forceful enough to blur the line between fantasy and reality. Obviously, there were no books written on the mental health of vampires, but I was quickly learning how strong my mind truly was. Because, for me, in this moment she was there ... to see, and smell and touch.

"Can we not just stay here together, my love?" I asked her, knowing I'd rather turn to dust then have her leave me now.

"Your mind is becoming weaker with every passing day that you do not feed. I don't know how long you'll be able to keep me here."

"For as long as you are here then, I wish only to hear your voice. Tell me something. Anything."

"There is nothing I can say that you do not already know." A smile pulled at the corner of her mouth and she looked, deviously, at me. "However, I do have a question. You say you only wish to hear my voice? Is that really the only thing you want?"

She moved on to her knees, and then placed one leg on either side of me straddling my lap. Her face only inches from mine was serious. I could feel her breath and the warmth of her skin. I imagined myself pulling her body into me, entwining my fingers in her hair and crushing her lips with mine. To be able to feel her in my arms one last time. Instead, I put my hands flat on the ground, not allowing myself to touch her and closed my eyes.

"You are not real," I snarled at her. "What would you have me do? Here in this place, a lunatic alone with his delusions."

I took in a deep breath of her euphoric scent before I continued. "This is a fantasy that I had many times, you come to me in this dress, these shoes even, and you ask me ..."

"What? What do I ask you?" She demanded.

"It doesn't matter."

"Then tell me this," her eyes were sharp, almost cold. "Why don't you just kill me?"

"What!?" I could not even attempt to hide my shock.

"You want my blood more than anything. If you won't be with me then why deny yourself?"

"I love you more than I want your blood. I would never hurt you that way. It's why I left."

"What good is your love if I don't believe it's real? You convinced me you don't love me, and I know nothing else."

My heart was shattered. It was true. If she truly believed that I did not love her then what did it matter? To go on loving her my entire existence without her knowing or feeling it.

"If you will not go back, at least enjoy what you have of me here." She grabbed my hands and placed them on her thighs, running them up over the silky material on her waist.

"Or, if you will not ... " She then slipped the strap of her dress off her left shoulder, pulled her hair back, and arched her neck offering me her throat.

"Please, stop this Bella."

"What's tempting you more, my blood or my body?"

I was thrown by the familiar question. These were the exact words she had spoken the last night I allowed myself to stay with her. I gave my same response.

"It's a tie."

"Don't lie to me this time. Tell me which one."

I didn't answer her.

"I already know the answer of course, but I want to hear you say it. That night in my room, alone with me. You always knew I was willing to give you whatever you wanted, whatever part of me you wanted. So, tell me now what you wanted more in that moment."

Silence.

"Tell me!"

"Your blood! Are you happy?" It was a mixture of disgust and relief to finally admit this, not just to her, but to myself.

"For all the times I had fantasized about you coming to my room in this dress, for as much as I knew that night that you would have given yourself to me ... In my house when your blood was spilt it was ... agonizing. I could think of nothing but the taste of it."

"Tell me," she said. Her eyes wild with curiosity.

"What?"

"Tell me about the taste. When you saved me from James. Tell me about it."

"I don't want to think about that."

"But you do think about it. It haunts you. Tell me."

"I already told you. It was better than I imagined. More powerful than any blood I had ever tasted. It was pure pleasure. The warmth coursing through my body, your life inside of me. Everywhere. Even when I knew the venom was gone I did not stop. It was torture to stop."

My breath was coming fast. The power of the memory embellished by my thirst.

"But then I looked down at you. Your face was so peaceful, so loving. Even in that moment, when I was crossing the line between saving you and killing you, I saw all of the love in your eyes... and I knew."

She continued to stare at me, anxious for me to continue. "What did you know?"

"I knew that I loved you more than my own life, more than I would ever be able to put into words. The pleasure of that feeling was even greater than the taste of your blood."

Suddenly I felt my memories fall into place. I had become myself again. I looked at her and I was no longer ashamed. "I love you, and it is complete and all consuming. There is nothing without you. That _is_ why I left. Not because I didn't trust myself with you, only because I would not be able to bear it if harm came to you from any connection with me.

"I knew it when James had nearly killed you, but I did not have the will to do what was right. When Jasper tried to attack you it only served as a reminder of what I already knew. That you were better off without me."

She closed her eyes, and tears spilled on to her cheeks. I would have cried as well, if it were possible. When she finally spoke her voice was deep with emotion. "You never did tell me. In your fantasy, when I come to your room, what do I ask you?"

"You ask me ..." It felt impossible to say the words out loud. "You ask me to stay with you ... forever."

"And what do you say?"

"I say, 'Forever'"

Her face, stained with tears, was the most beautiful thing I had seen in months. I fought to memorize every detail. I could feel her slipping away.

She leaned her phantom body in to me, and before her lips met mine she whispered, "Edward, please."

Then, just as quickly as she had appeared, she was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

7.

I knew I needed to move. To go somewhere, do something, but it was impossible to think. My mind was clouded with her scent and my thirst was excruciating. I could not just walk out the door without a plan. The part of my mind that was still me did not want to hurt anyone, but the monster would not wait any longer. I needed help and there was only one person to ask.

I stared at the phone, concentrating very hard on dialing the numbers. It was difficult to even remember who I was calling and why.

_How did I let myself get like this?_

When she answered it was enough to snap me out of my haze for a moment. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples a little. My vision seemed off and it was causing a numb ache in my head.

"Alice, I need you to tell me which way to go when I walk out."

I didn't give any more explanation than that. She knew exactly why I was calling.

"It's late and the only humans around are five miles east of where you are, in the main house. Everyone is asleep. If you go about a mile southeast you will run into the cattle. You'll be able to feed long before any other scent reaches you."

I didn't answer right away. My brain was in overdrive trying to determine which way was southeast, something I never would have thought about in past.

"Edward, I need you to know. The bet with Emmett ..."

She had misunderstood my silence. I tried to find the words that would put her at ease. How infuriating it was to have to think about everything so intently.

"It's OK Alice, I'm not angry with you."

"Just listen to me. Your absence has been extremely hard on Emmett. He just kind of mopes around, and then Rosalie keeps hissing at him to snap at of it. Jasper and I were just trying to cheer him up." She let out an exasperated sigh. "I had no idea he would call you like that. I don't want you to think I take any of this lightly."

"I know you don't Alice," I answered, unsure of how to continue.

Best to tell her the truth, I could not imagine how much concentration and will it would take to lie in my current state.

"I'm just ... I'm just so lost."

"We should go back Edward. This is all so unnecessary. Bella wants to be one of us, and then you could be with her forever. It is the answer to all your concerns. You wouldn't have to worry about her getting hurt, by you or by anyone."

This was all very clear to me. Why I could not be with Bella. I had been telling this to myself every day for three months. It was a relief for the words to come naturally.

"I don't want this life for her. I want her to be able to be with her family, have a family of her own one day. Look at Rosalie. If she could be human she would give up everything, including Emmett. I would never want to look into Bella's eyes and see that kind of regret."

I knew that Alice truly believed what she had said. That she wanted Bella and I to be able to be together and be happy. It was the best possible life I could hope for myself, but not for her. That was why it was impossible.

She sounded defeated as she spoke. "Like I said, southeast for about a mile. You'll be fine, you won't hurt anyone."

"Thank you"

"Oh, before I forget, I was thinking. Green River Ranch. Maybe it's not a ranch at all. Maybe it's just the name of something."

"Maybe." It made sense, even in my stupor. I should exhaust all options. "So, you agree I should try to track Victoria?"

"Not agree so much as I know it gave you purpose. I know it made you feel like you were protecting her again. You need a reason right now. A reason not to lock yourself in a shed for six weeks. I think its as good a reason as any.

"But if you find her, don't try to take her alone. Just call us and we'll be there. We'll finish it together."

I had the information I needed. I should have ended the conversation. But my will power was lost and I could not stop myself from speaking every thought.

"Can I ask you something else? Your visions, have you seen her anymore?"

"In the beginning it was more often. Just flashes of her at school or cooking dinner."

Her voice was low and almost sad. As if admitting this to me was painful for her, or perhaps the visions themselves had been painful?

"And, how did she look?"

She hesitated before answering, as if she was carefully deciding what to say.

"Fine."

I knew Alice well enough to know she was lying. She was right not to tell me. I should not even have asked such a question. It would not change anything.

"But I see her less now. I'm not as in tune with her as I was. I'm hoping that if I can get the visions to stop ..."

"That I'll come back?"

"Yes."

"I don't know Alice. It's just too hard to pretend. If I was around all of you I would have to pretend. I don't think I can do that right now."

"Go and hunt Edward, and when you find Victoria you call me. Promise?"

"Promise."

I walked to the shed door and opened it slowly. I did not breathe. I faced southeast and started walking, no faster than a human pace. When I could hear and see the herd my movements were instantaneous. I did not so much as think of striking and my teeth were already sinking into the animals flesh. The hot blood soothed my throat, and my mind started to clear of the numbness. I did not hurry. Alice had said everyone was asleep, I was in no danger of being seen, and I needed to be absolutely sure that my thirst had been satisfied before I moved on.

When I was certain I could drink no more I laid in the grass and looked at the night sky, at the stars, at the moon. A crescent moon. A fraction of itself. Only the smallest part visible, and the greater part of the whole missing.

No, not missing, just hidden. Unseen.


	8. Chapter 8

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

8.

In the early morning, before the sunrise, the silence was stirred by the mental voices of those inside the house. The words were a mingling of Spanish and English. Thoughts of breakfast and chores, plans for the day.

I had decided to pursue Alice's theory, but if I was going to find another Green River Ranch I needed to ask someone for help. I approached the house cautiously, in hopes of not alarming anyone inside. However, before I even made it to the door, a man came out. He was short and stalky, with a dark complexion. His skin appeared more like leather than skin, evidence of working long days in the sun. He gave me an uneasy look and his thoughts drifted to the idea of grabbing his shotgun.

"You lost amigo?" His voice carried a thick accent, and his obvious discomfort with my presence was evident in his tone.

"Yes, sir. I'm afraid I am." I smiled, silently laughing at my absurd situation. "I was trying to find an old acquaintance of mine. I was told I could find her at Green River Ranch, but now I'm sure I must have misunderstood."

"Well, there is a Green River Ranch Road, but there's nothing there. No houses, nada. It just leads you south into the Mexican border."

As he spoke an older woman appeared in the doorway behind him. She had the same dark skin and eyes, and her hair was entirely grey. Her hands were gripping the door and she looked at me with what could only be described as terror.

_Dios Mio ... vampiro _

Her thoughts alerted me to what I already assumed. She knew what I was.

"Thank you sir for your help. Again I apologize for intruding on you."

As I excused myself my eyes met briefly with the old woman's face which was going white with fear. I turned and walked quickly, ever cautious of my pace, off the property and on to the road. I did not allow myself to turn and look back at the pair. I could hear that they were still standing on the porch watching me. As soon as I knew I was out of their sight, I took off.

I stopped when I reached a gas station and purchased a map. By this time the sun was ready to break through the morning haze. I found a large oak tree with plenty of shade, far away from the road. It was impossible to erase the image of the woman's face from my mind. The fear in her eyes, was horribly familiar. It was the same way Bella looked at Jasper the night of her birthday. Seeing him, perhaps for the first time, for what he really was.

I knew it was necessary, before I left my family, to tell Jasper the truth about my decision to leave Forks. The truth about what happened that night. I had followed him into the living room. I could see the discomfort in his face, and hear it in his thoughts.

* * * * *

"Jasper, I know it's very difficult for you to be near me right now, but there is something that I need you to know."

I sat as far away from him as the room would allow. There was no concern that he would not be able to hear me, and I wanted to make this easier ... if that was possible.

"The night of the birthday party, after Emmett and Rose took you outside, I was horrified. I couldn't believe how quickly the scene had changed. Everything had been so perfect. Of course Alice had gone overboard, but still Bella seemed happy. Then just a paper cut and ..."

He flinched at the unwelcome memory.

"Anyways, I carried Bella to the table so Carlisle could look at her arm. I didn't breath of course, and I tried very hard not to look at the injury. My mind was cloudy and my thoughts were erratic. Mostly I thought of her, how scared she must have been, but then I thought about the wasted blood on the floor, more of it now on the table. The perfection of it just sitting there. The memory of the taste tormenting me.

"Carlisle saw my black, conflicted eyes and he urged me to go outside. Bella did the same, more out of concern for _my_ discomfort, which was even more infuriating. I did not move. I could do this small thing, couldn't I? A man would be able to stand there and hold her hand while she was getting stitched up, I should be able to do that for her. I knew it was prideful, but I was determined to stay.

"When Alice came into the room things happened very fast. I was losing my concentration, denying so many instincts takes extreme focus and mine was slipping. I was going to speak to Bella, say something comforting perhaps, I can't really recall. But, before I spoke I unconsciously took a breath. Flames ripped through my throat. Alice calmly encouraged me to go look for you, but her mental voice was full of panic.

"Then I saw her vision. The scene laid out just as it was, all of us around the table. Bella turned to me and smiled. I leaned in as if to kiss her and ..."

As I struggled to maintain my composure, I felt Jasper's wasted attempt to calm me. After a few short moments I continued.

"To Bella and Carlisle nothing had changed, the exchange between Alice and I had lasted less than a minute. But it was long enough to shatter my entire world. I excused myself as if their urging had finally convinced me to go to you. Once I made it outside I was enraged, and yes Jasper, I was angry with you. I blamed you. I cursed you. But I knew it was not you that I hated.

"Alice never told you, did she? About her vision that night? I knew she would not, but she should have. You had the right to know that you are not the monster, you are not the villain in this story. I am. I had considered killing her. You and I both know that Alice would not have seen it otherwise.

"Alice tried to convince me that I never would have done it, but it was too late. I had already seen the truth. With the acceptance, came a certain calm. I was finally able to go back inside. I asked Alice to get Bella some new clothes, and I offered to take her home. All the while I did not look at her, not really. I knew in that moment that our time together was ending.

"Can you believe that in the car she apologized to me? That if she had been more careful none of this would have happened? You can not even begin to imagine the way it made me feel. The disgust I felt for myself in her presence. She was too good for me. Too good for this life. I felt less and less worthy of her with every passing minute.

"I'm sorry that I went this long without telling you. It was cruel to let you shoulder so much guilt."

"Edward, " he replied. "I appreciate you confiding in me. I know how hard it is for you to relive these memories. Still, I played a role in this tragedy. Even you have forgiven me, I have not. I feel all of your pain Edward. All of it. The sadness, the emptiness, the longing. It will not go away. Do you understand that?"

"Yes."

The simple response seemed to baffle him. "You believe that you will be able to endure this for the rest of your existence? That you will never return to her, never find relief?"

"Yes."

Again he seemed confused, maybe even exasperated. "Now there is something that I must tell you. It will be painful for you, but you should know. Whenever I was around Bella, I too had to concentrate very hard. You are well aware that my tolerance is not the same as the rest of our family. Her scent was always a temptation, but as time passed I began to feel a comfort around her.

"That night, my initial reading of her was nervousness. We all knew she would be embarrassed by so much attention and indeed she was. But, what I believe was my undoing, was the overwhelming amount of love I felt from her. The sheer happiness in your presence. The warmth and sense of family she felt with all of us. She glowed with emotion. It was an incredible feeling. I allowed myself to bask in it. I let my guard down, broke my concentration.

"But now I am plagued by the thought of her happiness. Where is it now? Did she lose all of that life when we left? How can you be so sure this is right for her? No one believes it except for you."

I was drowning in his words. I could barely respond, but I knew what I needed to say.

"If you felt all of that, then surely you knew how much I loved her. How much I love her still. I will not endanger her. I have accepted that my leaving caused her pain, but she is human Jasper. She will move on, forget me, fall in love. She will find happiness again. She will.

"Thank you for talking with me."

I moved to leave, but Jasper stopped me.

There it was again. That same look of exasperation, as if I had failed to see something he felt was of great importance. "Edward, perhaps she will find happiness someday. But what of your happiness? Will you ever find it without her?"

That was easy enough to answer. A simple truth.

"No."

* * * * *


	9. Chapter 9

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

9.

Green River Ranch Road. Victoria had been there. Recently. She had left three or four days ago, and she was not alone. There were at least five additional scents that I did not recognize.

_Had she really spent so long here? Or did she take her time getting here?_

Further down the road I found more evidence of her clan. A car stuck in a ditch alongside the road, all four doors left open. There were four human bodies inside, a family. Dead for at least a week. Each of them had brutal bite marks at their necks, wrists, and thighs. The two in the back were young, teenagers perhaps. In the passenger seat a woman, probably their mother, was clutching a chain around her neck. A gold cross laid in her cold hand.

The road truly seemed to lead no where but, as I traveled on, I came across a building. A small wooden structure with few windows. The words above the door read, "We love Him because He first loved us." - 1 John 4: 9-10

A church. I had not set foot inside a church in decades. Yet, something compelled me to enter. The space inside was simple. To the left was a table of lighted candles, set at the feet of a statue of the Virgin Mother. To the front a few pews sat in front of a modest altar. Behind it, a large crucifix demanded attention. I sat and stared at the wooden carving.

A man, a priest, entered from a room behind the altar. His presence was not a surprise to me. I heard him deciding whether or not to approach me. In the end he had decided it was his duty to comfort me, that I appeared bereft.

"Good evening," he called out to me. "What brings you to the Lord's house at such an hour?"

"I apologize, I had not realized the time."

He stared at my face for a long moment. A flicker of a memory came to his mind. _Pale skin. _And, then the thought was gone. His mind was similar to Charlie's. More images and emotions than the spoken thoughts I normally heard.

"You seem troubled. How can I ease your worry?"

He was a tall, slender man with a bald head and wire rimmed glasses. Probably in his mid to late fifities. He came and sat in the pew in front of me, facing the cross. I was drawn to speak to him, to confide in this stranger. For what reason I did not know.

"Father, I was never a religious man, but I do believe in a higher power. I believe that I will come to judgment when I leave this life and ... I am terrified of what I may face on the other side." I had never admitted this irrational fear to anyone. I sat in pained silence awaiting his response.

"My son, I may hear your confession. I may absolve you of your sins."

"How can it be that easy?" My voice was thick with scepticism. I would not allow myself to be consoled so quickly. "In my life I have done many things for which I am ashamed. Is it possible for God to forgive the unforgivable?"

"You are a young man. What could you have done that would make you afraid for your soul?"

"I have lied, cheated, stolen."

"Those things are common enough with those so young in the world. I forgive you, God will forgive you."

"What if I were a murderer, Father? Would God forgive me for taking a life?"

I could hear his heart's steadily increasing pace. Still he did not turn to face me. He continued to stare ahead.

"My child. Have you killed?"

"There was a time, long ago. I was walking late at night in the city. I saw a man follow a young woman into an alley. He was going to rape her, beat her, possibly kill her. How could I just stand by?"

"You killed this man?"

"Yes."

_And many others like him._

"It was not your place to take his life. Judgement is a job that belongs only to God. But, you did a noble thing. Defending someone who could not have defended herself. You saved her. There is good in that."

_But is that enough? Is that small good not overshadowed by all that is bad?_

"There is a woman. A woman that I love more than I would be able to describe. She is good, pure, perhaps even an angel ... my angel."

"That is wonderful," his voice seemed to smile. "Perhaps she is God's answer to your worries. That He believes you deserve to have love in your life."

"But how can someone like me ever deserve her? What if I were to damn her soul the way that I have mine? How can all my darkness not put out her light?"

"Does she know everything in your past? All that you have confessed here tonight?"

"Yes."

He seemed surprised by my answer. "And still she loves you. Have you not considered that she was put upon this earth to be your savior? To save you from this darkness you have burdened yourself with."

"She loves me. But ... I left her, urged her to move on, to forget me."

His answer was appalled, angry even. "Why would you do such a thing? Why would you shut out such a gift?"

"Because I am unworthy of her love, and I will not let myself damage that which is good in her."

This seemed to be a never ending conversation, one I could not start again. I got up to leave. He remained in his seat never moving his eyes from the cross.

"Before you go let me say one last thing. I said before that only God may judge. The same is true for you, my son. Do not spend your life in judgement of what you have done wrong. Instead, allow yourself to love this woman, and allow her to love you. Give yourself the chance to redeem yourself in a new life with her. For if you do not, I fear that the darkness will devour you. No one can walk away from an angel and not find themselves in the dark."

He could no longer resist the urge to turn and face me. Before he had the chance, I was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

10.

A priest of all people should have agreed with me. A priest _would _have agreed with me if I had told him the truth. If I had confessed to him that I was a monster. If I had told him that she wanted me to end her life so she could join me. He had known that something about me was wrong, hadn't he? What was his thought ..._ pale skin_?

Victoria and her clan must have past through that same way. Why had they left him alive? A group of vampires that large would not have been satiated by the small family of four. If the priest had been close enough to see them there's no way he could have escaped.

The answers to these questions were trivial. It was not enough to occupy my mind for more than mere moments. Once again I was alone in the darkness, with only a scent to guide me. Tracking Victoria was my path, and it all started to seem pointless. Meaningless. Just like everything else in my world had become meaningless. But Alice was right, I needed something. This would just have to do.

In my human life I had yearned to be a soldier. That was my path. When I fell ill I had been anxiously awaiting my eighteenth birthday. The honor of serving my country ahead of me, the status of a hero.

The memory of my mother, Elizabeth, was always my strongest. She hated the idea of her son at war. She talked with me endlessly about how she hoped I would meet the right girl instead. The idea seemed unlikely to me. I attended an all boys school, and all of my female acquaintances had never been more than family friends. Yet my mother would tell me her dreams of meeting my future bride. When I was sure I found the right girl she planned to give me her ring.

The ring my father had given my mother was truly spectacular. A sparkling jewel encased in a delicate weaving of gold. My father had found it in an antique store and had been so inspired by its unique beauty he proposed to my mother the same day.

The ring, along with several other jewels that belonged to my mother, were in a wooden box in my closet. When Bella had specifically expressed I was not to spend any money on her for her birthday I had pulled the case down to examine its contents. The ring caught my eye immediately. Would it have been too soon to propose? She had often spoke of forever. Would marriage not have been the natural next step?

I carried the ring in my pocket the entire day. When we were at school I was lost in never-ending thoughts of how I would propose. Definitely not at the birthday party. It needed to be something private, just the two of us. Perhaps I could take her to our meadow. That was where our love had truly began, both of us committing ourselves to this journey. I could go there ahead of time, or better yet have Alice go. She could set up roses and candles, a timeless and romantic scene. But somehow it didn't feel right.

Then later that day, as we watched Romeo and Juliet, I fiddled with it constantly in my pocket. Maybe it would have been better to be spontaneous? Romeo had merely asked Juliet for her hand ... _the exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine. _Bella would probably not like anything intricately planned or over the top. Maybe that moment was the right time. How easy it would have been to simply tell her I wanted her to be me my wife. To slide the ring on to her finger. But I did not.

Then later that evening everything disintegrated before my eyes, and the ring felt like a brick in my pocket. A reminder of what would never be. My mothers' dream never realized. The next morning I left Bella's house and went home to change. Esme was waiting for me on the steps. Her expression was that of piercing sadness.

Esme had taken Elizabeth Masen's place as my mother in this life. Their dreams were one in the same. My happiness. Selfishly, I did not stop to speak with her. I could not bear her pain. I headed directly up the stairs, to my room. I removed the ring from my pocket and placed it back in the wooden box. Accepting that I would never have any need for it.


	11. Chapter 11

1**Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

11.

Shortly after I crossed the border into Mexico I came across an abandoned apartment building. The scent of human decay covered the air in a thick fog. I entered the building cautiously, but before I could register his thoughts in my mind he had me pinned to the ground. I twisted myself from his hold and delivered a solid blow to the center of his chest. He slammed against the wall. He had long blonde hair pulled back from his face. His clothes were covered in a mixture of dirt and blood. He looked like an untamed animal and he glared at me with wild, bright red eyes. A newborn.

His thoughts were chaos, nonsense, but it was clear he felt the need to defend himself. I stalled for a moment to assess my surroundings. He seemed to be alone, but if the only way out of here was to kill him I needed to be sure.

"I'm looking for Victoria," I said. "Were you traveling with her?"

Her scent was not evident in this place, but asking bought me time.

"Is she the red head?"

I nodded, never moving my eyes from him. He could attack at any moment and his newborn strength was not something I should dismiss.

"She never told me her name," he spit through his clenched teeth. "She doesn't stay with us much. She's splitting up from us I think. Heading somewhere in Rio is what I heard. They all left a few days ago, but she told me stay behind and wait."

"Wait for what?"

He let out one loud laugh.

"You."

His mind flashed to the conversation with Victoria. She only knew they were being followed, but not that I was the one in pursuit of her.

"Are you to kill me then?" I asked in defiance.

"That's what I was told. Although, I would prefer to kill someone that tastes a little better," he said with a grin.

I surveyed the carnage around me, several bodies in various states of decomposition. Men and women, old and young alike ... much too young. My eyes locked on a small child in the corner. He could not have been more than five years old. My attacker saw my point of interest.

"They taste so much better when they are young," he said, smiling widely. "Don't you think?"

I was no longer myself. The demon ruled completely. It was exhilarating to release myself to the blinding rage. His strength was formidable, but he lacked skill, and it was only moments before I had him trapped. He was face down on the ground, with my foot pressing into his back when I finally ripped his head from his body. I was belligerent. I tore him to pieces violently. I was lost in my hatred of this race. My race. They were animals, all of them. A species of savages, and in this moment I was one of them.

I sniffed out a lighter in the pocket of one of the victims, and burned the place to the ground. Save for the child, whom I carried outside and buried in the shade of a nearby tree.

If Victoria knew she was being followed she would be more diligent in hiding her tracks. I was inept, and she knew it. If I was going to succeed in this chase I would need to improve ... quickly.


	12. Chapter 12

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**.

12.

The trip to Rio seemed surprisingly short. Nothing seemed to take long enough anymore. Every time I allowed myself to hope I might be distracted by some mundane, or insignificant task, time ceased to exist. When I was sure that weeks had passed, I would come to realize it had only been days. Surely the world continued to turn, the sun continued to set and the moon continued to rise. _Did they not? _I was no longer sure.

I spent my nights tracking Victoria. A never ending search through bars, clubs, and brothels. When nomads chose to mix into the human population they always chose the seediest places. The more intoxicated a group of humans became the less likely they were to observe anything strange in the beautiful, pale, face in front of them. Even the cold skin and red eyes did little to avert those who were completely, chemically, uninhibited. But, my tracking never improved and as more time passed the reality of finding Victoria became more and more unlikely.

My days I spent hiding in the darkest corners of this already dark region. I endeavored, in vain, to block out the thoughts and voices of the partners surrounding me. Married couples, friends and lovers. Foolish people who fought over the most trivial subjects just to end in tearful apologies and passionate embraces. Heartbeats racing in excitement or joy or desire. Love. In every form. Love. Following me every where I turned.

A mother reading a bedtime story ... _and they lived happily ever after _... a woman whispering into the ear of the man lying in her bed ... _I've_ _never known anyone like you_ ... an elderly couple celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary ... _and you are just as beautiful today as the day I met you_ ...

Surrounded by life and, yet, every moment I wished for death. Painful and torturous, slow and cruel. _Was I not already torturing myself? _I had inflicted more anguish on my own life than I had ever imposed on any other creature. Nothingness would be peaceful. Oblivion would be salvation. In the void there would be no pain, no loss, no memories.

But more than I wished for death, I wished for her. I implored myself to go back to her. I begged to be released of this self imposed exile. This prison of existing without her. Free to go anywhere in the world except for where I wanted to be. The window to her room always awaited me. To be by her side. To feel her warmth, to see her blush, to taste her lips, her skin ...

I continued in this mind numbing pattern for weeks. It had been six months now since I left her. I remembered with hopeful anticipation the bet that Alice had made with Emmett. She had said 'six months', she had all but promised him that we would be back in Forks by now. _So_ _where was my sign? _Nothing so trivial as my family urging me to go back, with pleading phone calls, but divine intervention. I should have been forced back by now. I should have been drawn out of the depths of this depression, this masochistic punishment. Alice had said she was only trying to make him feel better, but I had hoped she was lying to me. I was wrong. There was nothing to release me from my promise. There was nothing.

_The phone vibrated in my pocket again. It was the twenty-fifth time in twenty-four hours. I thought about opening the phone, at least seeing who was trying to contact me. Perhaps it was important. _

_**This chapter flows into Stephanie Meyers New Moon extra entitled Rosalie's News. If you have not already read this 4 page excerpt or would like to read it again visit Stephenie Meyer's website and click on "twilight series" click on "new moon" click on "extras" click on "Rosalie's news" You will need to have read this to continue into Crescent chapter 13. Thank you to Stephenie Meyer for this look inside of Edward. **_


	13. Chapter 13

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer.**

13.

My body shook uncontrollably, violently. Spasms rocked through every limb, as if I was spontaneously ripping apart. I was sure the force of my convulsions would bust through the beams, but I could not bring myself to care.

_She was gone? She was dead? She had killed herself? No. She had promised me. No, no. She couldn't have. No, no, no, no, no._

"NO!"

And then I did break through the ceiling, out on to the rooftop, out of this corner of hell.

_What did she do? Bella, what did you do? What were you thinking? Dear God, how could you have let this happen? She was pure and good, how could you have let this come to pass? To punish me?_

I gasped for breath that I did not need, I waited for tears that would not come, but I sobbed all the same. I was suffocating in the nightmare. I was desperate for some sort of relief, to have a human response. To vomit, or pass out, or both. But nothing came, nothing happened. My frozen shell could not offer me any release.

I pictured her remains lying at the bottom of a cliff, bruised and broken. Her lifeless body, her beautiful face mangled, her hair matted in blood. Immediately, I forced myself to banish the image from my memory. I refused to remember her that way. I had seen what such a thing would look like. I had seen Esme's brutal wounds before the venom healed her.

_Venom_. I could have prevented this. I should had prevented this. She asked me numerous times. Not only asked but pleaded with me to change her. I could have been with her forever. _Forever_.

The shaking worsened exponentially and I crumbled to ground. Terrifying screams escaped me in a voice that I did not recognize. _Now _I was a mad man, _now _I was insane. No beautiful hallucinations ahead of me, no final farewell awaited me. Only horror was left, and my mind was gone.

_This is my fault. This__** is**__ my fault. _

I underestimated her feelings for me. How foolish and arrogant I had been. She did love me the way I loved her. Exactly the same. It did not matter that she was human. Had I really not believed her to be capable of the same devotion? She knew the only way to release herself from the bonds I had created was death. She knew it and she sought it out.

Again, my cries pierced the silent morning and the building trembled beneath me. I wondered briefly what people must be thinking. Wondering what monster could make that horrendous noise? And I was a monster. I had killed her. I killed her the moment I saw her, the moment I loved her, the moment I allowed her to love me too.

I should never have gone back to Forks after I met her. I should never have spoken to her, sought her out. I should never have told her the way I felt, held her, touched her, kissed her. I should never have left her.

Why did I leave her?_ Why_? No reason could be enough. No reason was acceptable. No reason. No, no, no, no. This was anguish. This was horror. All this time I had wallowed in what I thought was despair. There has never been pain until now. No agony or torment or affliction has ever meant anything compared to this. Was this the suffering she felt before she fell ... not fell, but leapt ... to her death? Did she still love me in that moment or did she curse me for destroying her life?

And she had sinned. She had damned herself as absolutely as I was damned. Was it sick of me to have hope for us to meet again in hell? Whatever horrors awaited us in the afterlife meant nothing if we were together. I would be her protector once again, for all eternity. I would never leave her side. Even if she wanted nothing of me, even if she ran from me, I would follow. I would apologize, I would grovel. I would beg her forgiveness. Even if she would not grant me a reprieve I would never make the mistake of leaving her again. Once I found her nothing would be able to tear me from her. In this disturbing fantasy I found solace.

She had found her release, and now it was time for me to follow after. I did not only wish for death now, I needed it, depended on it. As surely as a human needed air to breath I needed to die. There was nothing else. No other possibility. Every second that I continued on without her was an abomination, a curse. Every moment I was allowed to stay in this world, where she was not, was an injustice.

The Volturi was the only option. If I provoked them they would be sure to act swiftly. But was that really necessary? What repercussions might befall my family for my actions? My decision would injure them enough, I could not bear for them to be punished for it as well. I would go to them first. Ask them for death, make them see I want no more of this existence. Only if they refused would I resort to more desperate measures. I would threaten to expose them and surely they would not hesitate to destroy me.

It was decided. The vile object still in my hand vibrated again. Alice. She had seen it. _Damn it_! She would try to stop me, so I could not allow her the opportunity. I jumped from the rooftop not caring that several humans watched me, quite literally, fall from the sky. I tossed the phone into the trash, and ran with greater speed than I knew was possible to the airport. As soon as I was on the plane it would be too late for Alice, or anyone to intervene. They would never make it in time.

_I will come to you, Bella. I will make you this one last promise. I will do everything in my power to reunite us. Because If I fail, then I have failed you in every way. _


	14. Chapter 14

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

14.

I spent the entire trip to Italy deciding what to say to the Volturi. The elders, Aro, Caius and Marcus were already familiar to me. Over the decades, Carlisle and I had many conversations about his time in Volterra. In his thoughts I could see the city, the tower, the names and faces of the guard. So, familiarity would be no trouble.

There was however, at least, one problem to consider. Aro was an old friend of Carlisle which meant he would not be easily swayed to end my life. But I was not discouraged. There was one way to make sure they would not refuse me. Surely, if they knew the pain I felt, if they felt it for themselves, they would grant me my request. Aro's abilities allowed him to see into the thoughts of both the present and the past. If I could persuade him to look into my mind, I was sure he would not be able to deny me.

The castle in which the Volturi resided, towered over Volterra. I entered the gothic tower to find myself inside of an office lobby_. Interesting_. The exterior obviously only served to improve the city's skyline. I was immediately intercepted by an Italian woman ... a human. Her olive complexion was common enough for the region, but inside this house of the dead it was almost a shocking sight. A lamb inside of the lion's den.

"Hello sir," she said. "Do you have an appointment?"

"No, I am an unexpected guest. I was hoping to speak with Aro."

"It is unusual for anyone to arrive unannounced," she replied sharply, her green eyes tight.

"Please tell him that Edward Cullen wishes to see him, and that I am part of Carlisle's coven."

She gestured for me to take a seat on the leather couch, sat down behind the wooden counter and began dialing the phone.

"Ma'am, it's Gianna. I have a visitor at the front. He says his name is Edward Cullen, and he wishes to speak with Aro."

A pause.

"Yes ma'am I explained that to him but he said to tell Aro he was in Carlisle Cullen's coven."

Now, a longer pause. Her eyes flickered to my face and then away again.

"Yes, Jane. Right away."

I cringed internally at the sound of her name. The stories of Jane's abilities always had the greatest impact on me. To hear of someone who could bring centuries old vampires to their knees with nothing more than her mind, was not something you could forget.

"They will see you immediately. Follow me."

She lead me through a long corridor with many doors. At the end of the hall there were large double doors, covered in gold paneling. They lead into an expansive room. The room was lit only by torch light, but that would not have bothered anyone as the only beings inside were vampires. At the head of the room, seated in three large wooden chairs, were Aro, Caius and Marcus. Behind them four cloaked figures stood guard. I recognized them, from my borrowed memories, as Felix, Demitri, Alec and Jane.

Aro's thoughts were curious, he longed for information of Carlisle and his clan of gold eyed misfits. Caius was not amused, he never liked the idea of our family, he thought it was unnatural and dangerous for us to live so differently. Marcus may not have even noticed I had entered the room as he didn't register my presence in his thoughts.

Aro called out to me from his throne. His voice was soft yet jubilant. "Welcome Edward! It is a pleasure to finally meet you."

"The pleasure is mine," I replied, as I respectfully bowed my head. "I am incredibly thankful for you to agree to see me. I know it was ill-mannered of me to arrive without warning."

"Not at all, I only wish that my friend Carlisle were with you."

"Carlisle is well. Our family lives in America, and yes Caius we are content to continue to resist human blood."

Aro was instantly intrigued. His head inclined towards me, knowing that I had answered an unspoken question.

"Yes, Aro. Like you, I have a gift for hearing people's thoughts. However my skill is greatly overshadowed by yours."

A smile began to spread across his face, his imagination ran wild, and I saw myself in his mind as part of his guard. Charcoal gray cloak ... red eyes. I recoiled from the image.

"I'm afraid that my visit is not a social one," I continued. "I have come here because I am desperate for your mercy."

"Mercy? What have you done that requires our forgiveness?" Cauis's voice was sharp with disgust. His mind, anxious for any wrong doing which would allow him to kill me. Perhaps I would get what I wanted more easily than I thought.

"It is not your forgiveness that I seek. I have come here to ask you for death."

Marcus, who's interest I had not gained until now, finally turned his eyes towards me.

"Why would you ask for such a thing?" He could not comprehend anyone who would turn away from immortality.

"There was a woman that I loved. That I still love. Bella. She has died and do not wish to live another day without her."

Aro was appalled. His genuine emotion came as a shock to me. "Who killed your mate? Tell us the demons name, for it is he who shall die by our hands!"

I shook my head and my eyes sank to the ground. "She took her own life," I finally responded to his assumption. Confusion swept through all of their minds.

"Bella, is ... was, human. She jumped from a cliff."

"You are in love with a human?" Again, the revulsion seeped through Caius's words.

"Yes," I snapped at him, and then as calmly as I could manage I turned my focus back to Aro.

"Aro, Carlisle told me much of your gift. You need only touch my hand and you may see for yourself."

Aro waived me forward. I approached the trio without hesitation. There was no reason for me to fear any possible outcome. I was already asking for death. Behind them the large one, Felix, tensed as I came closer. He was ready to give me exactly what I wanted if I made even one wrong move, but he was of no concern to me. My eyes wavered to the smallest of the quartet. Jane. Despite my willingness to die I did not relish the idea of pain. Her torment was something I would rather avoid.

Aro closed his eyes as he took my hand in his. He bowed his head in complete concentration and it began. There it was, every second of my life for the past year and a half, played out in vivid pictures before me. I watched helplessly as it all registered in his mind. From the first day in class with Bella, the overwhelming call of her blood ... the very essence of my being transformed by the desperate way that I loved her. The way her life had been endangered, first by James and then by my own brother ... to the moment I left her alone, frozen in place in the woods. Then the phone call from Rosalie ... and the crushing grief that lead me to this moment.

He was drained by the end, but he had felt it all. He understood the way the scent of her blood affected me, he knew the intensity of the love I felt for her, and he understood now why I would beg for my own demise.

He nodded once in acknowledgment of what I wanted.

"Edward, it pains me to learn of your agony. I can see that you are quite resolved. If you will excuse us, it will take some time for me to properly convey to my brothers the depths of your despair. It is critical, that we put all matters to a vote. It has always been our way. I would not feel appropriate asking for their say until they were fully informed. Do you agree?"

I nodded.

"Then we shall return shortly."


	15. Chapter 15

1**The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephanie Meyer**

**15.**

I felt my body sink into the marble floor as they entered the room. Before they had delivered their decision I could hear it in their thoughts. They would not help me willingly. I would be forced to make threats, to not only disappoint but jeopardize my family.

Aro's voice did little to penetrate my haze. It was as if all the sound in the room was being drowned by the phantom pounding of my heart, the absent racing of my blood. _How dare they! Have I not followed their rules? How could they deny me? Why? _

"Edward!" Aro demanded my attention. I forced myself to look him in the eye, and in his thoughts I could see my own hateful glare.

"I know you are disappointed with our decision. Further more, I understand you are determined to force our hand. But you must know, that as an immortal, you are extremely valuable. You would be an asset to any coven ... precious. Your gift should not be wasted." He shook his head and attempted to smile at me as he continued. "Join us. Live as a true vampire should, and you will forget to think of your Bella."

As he prattled on my eyes drifted from him, to Caius, to Marcus. Caius had been the only one to vote in my favor. Although his willingness to kill me came from hatred rather than compassion. Marcus felt no need for them to intervene in my "personal matters" and Aro obviously had his own reasons for wanting me alive. His conceit was overwhelming. To assume that he could persuade me not only to join his army of brainless monsters, but to suggest I might _"forget to think" _of Bella ...

"_Teach me how I should forget to think_," I quoted. Although, I delivered the line with much more revulsion than was originally scripted.

"Ah! Romeo? Is that how you see yourself? Romeo was a pitiful fool, as was Shakespeare himself," he snapped at me.

I saw him now. This was the Aro, I had expected. I had been wrong before. I thought because he could see my thoughts, feel my pain, he understood. He understood nothing. He felt nothing. To him all beings, vampire and human, were meant for one purpose ... to serve him. The humans to sustain his miserable existence and the vampires to sustain his power.

I stood silently and turned to leave the repulsive room.

"Edward, how will Carlisle feel about your decision?"

I stopped and turned, one last time, to face the pompous fool. "Carlisle will understand what you do not. Carlisle, who is more compassionate than any other man I've ever known, will know that I had no other choice. Carlisle, unlike you, is capable of sympathy. He will forgive me."

I made my way out the doors, through the hall and back into the lobby. The human woman rose from her chair, but I did not even give her the chance to speak before I was out the door.

It was twilight, the ending of another day. Another day without her.

There was no time to waste. I was ready to die, the only decision left was how I would elicit their attack. I wandered the streets for hours as I continued to over think what would be my final act. I could pick up a car and throw it into a crowd, or jump off a building ... or hunt. It would be the ultimate insult. To feed inside the walls of Volterra. It was an intriguing idea. I went so far as to walk the streets, listening to every mind. Searching for someone who deserved my wrath.

In the end I knew I couldn't go through with it. Carlisle would suffer enough to hear of my death. I would not add to his disappointment. The hours continued to pass, and the faint light of a new day hinted at the horizon. With that I had found my answer. So simple really. Light.

I would expose my bare skin to the sun. On Saint Marcus day there would be crowds of people in the square. At noon when the sun was at its peak, I would do nothing more than walk out into the crowd. They could not risk having to explain why there was a sparkling being amid the worshipers. The very idea of it made me smile.

They would act to stop me, and I would die for merely being what I am. I found a dark alley near the clock tower. There I endured my final hours. I watched silently as the square started to fill with people. I considered calling Alice, to say goodbye. To say I was sorry. But it would be selfish of me, cruel even, to put her through that. So I took the time to respectfully say goodbye, in my own way, to my family.

I watched the hands on the clock move, minute by minute, ever closer to my end ... my salvation.

11:30 ... 11:45 ... 11:59 ...

I stood, motionless, before the approaching sunlight. The darkness of the alley behind me was the extreme contrast to the white light that was slowly engulfing the square. My shirt lay at my feet, and I was ready. With my eyes closed I spent my last moments with Bella. If there was nothing after this, it would be my only chance to see her. I imagined her bathed in sunlight, calling to me, asking me to join her in the meadow. Our meadow. As the clocked tolled she smiled and laughed reaching her arms to me. I stepped forward in response.

_I am coming my love, my life. And if there is no reunion for us in death, please ... forgive me. _

Then, before I could feel the pain of death, it was over, and she was there. No longer a dream. She was real, substantial in my arms. I stared down at her in awe. She was more beautiful than I had remembered. More exquisite than any hallucination. Her scent caused a familiar ache in my throat, but I welcomed it.

I had never believed in an afterlife for our kind. I always assumed there would be nothingness in my destruction. I had accepted that heaven was not an option for me. But as I looked at the face of my soul staring back at me I was happily proved wrong.

"Amazing," I finally managed to say. "Carlisle was right."


End file.
